OK, stop, relax, breathe. We’re not taking a break these holidays so much as easing our collective foot off the gas
We thought that, rather than drag someone out of their post-Christmas coma to be interviewed on the Flat Chat Wrap podcast, we’d give you a chance to reprise some of our most listened-to episodes of the past year, some of which you might have missed or want to hear again.
In fact there are two “normal” episodes that stand out as our most downloaded. Episode 91 – Crackdown on Dud Developers and Episode 87 – Comedy, coffee and a new way of renting .
In Ep 87, we first discussed build-to-rent apartments, had a chat with the owner of a café in an apartment block, and announced the completion of our Pod-Com “Hyperbole Towers” (which you can hear again by clicking on the link below).
Pets, pets and pets
In Episode 91, we spoke to Karen Stiles, Executive Officer of the Owners Corporation Network, about the impact Building Commissioner David Chandler is going to have on new apartment builds in NSW.
Given this week’s news that another major developer has gone bust, he certainly has his work cut out.
Apart from those podcasts, anything with “pets” in the title rated well, no doubt due at least in part to the shenanigans that saw NSW “no-pets” by-laws revoked, reprieved and then re-revoked. These included Episode 89, Episode 92, Episode 95 and Episode 96.
But these podcasts and the rest aren’t not all only about pets – there’s plenty of other stuff going on in strata for us to get our teeth into in these and other episodes.
Neglected
For the record, our most neglected podcast – at least since we trebled our listeners by moving platforms from our previous hosts, the podcast equivalent of witness protection – was Podcast 68: Six months of Sundays, classic movies, perfect pods.
Maybe it’s because when it went out in April, this episode didn’t have it’s full title attached. Or maybe it was the content – how to survive lockdowns with a smile. It may be interesting to listen back to hear how we thought we’d fare as the pandemic spread.
Sue Williams and I (JimmyT) will be back next week with a full and fresh episode as we review the year in strata across Australia.
By the way, I have changed the podcast archive link on our front page to Google Podcasts as Apple iTunes doesn’t seem to offer more than 10 old episodes. Let me know if you have an issue with any of that.
But, meanwhile, sit back and enjoy (again) Australia’s first podcom (podcast sitcom), Hyperbole Towers and listen to its benighted committee, forced to meet on Zoom with all the back-stabbing, power plays and nefarious goings on that you’d expect.
And, once again, thanks to our special guest Todd McKenney for adding some stardust to the show.
Listen Here
[powerpress]
And for those of you who don’t yet pod – and it’s as easy as clicking on play, above – here’s the script in full. You’re missing half the fun but enjoy anyway.
Hyperbole Towers – The Script
Scene 1: the cafe
FADE IN:
NARRATOR
It’s 12 minutes past six PM on a post-lockdown evening and Charlie Lee, chair of the Hyperbole Towers strata committee, is wondering where the rest of its members are.
SFX: Mobile phone ringing
ALFIE
(In phone) Hullo. Building Manager Alfie here… I’m sorry I’m in the middle of a meeting.
CHARLIE
No, you’re not.
ALFIE
(In phone) I most certainly am… oh… hello, Madame Chairperson… I am in the meeting. Where are you?
CHARLIE
I’m in the cafe. At the meeting. Where are you? And where is everybody else?
ALFIE
(In phone) We are meeting online, Madame Chair. As required.
CHARLIE
Required?
ALFIE
(In phone) Our new by-law. Remember we had to pass one so we could have meetings on Zoom or Skype?
CHARLIE
During the lockdown? How could I forget? Four hours of mindless arguments punctuated by three resignations, two fist-fights, and a nervous breakdown.
ALFIE
Yes, well, apparently due to poor wording, it’s not that we can have online meetings, we must have them.
CHARLIE
Oh, God. Can’t we just fudge it? Meet in person?
ALFIE
(In phone) More than my job’s worth, Dear Chairlady. It sets a dangerous precedent.
CHARLIE
And everyone’s a bush lawyer, these days… OK, I need to get back home to my laptop.
ALFIE
(In phone) Don’t leave it too long… things are getting a little heated.
CHARLIE
Heated, how?
ALFIE
Well, let’s just say, when the cat’s away …
ANNOUNCER
You’re listening to “Hyperbole Towers” a podcom about the living hell of an Australian apartment block’s strata committee.
Episode one… Tapping In
Fade theme music up then out
Scene 2: the online committee meeting
NARRATOR
In the darkest reaches of cyberspace, or a Zoom meeting of the Hyperbole Towers strata committee to be precise, a power struggle is underway in the temporary absence of the Chair.
BROOKE
As secretary, I am number two so obviously I should be in charge.
ALFIE
The Chairlady will be online in a minute…
BROOKE
Anything could happen in a minute. I need to run things till she comes on board.
AMBER
Brooke, you couldn’t run a hole convention in a donut shop.
JOE
Comrades, as the senior member present… Veteran of a thousand meetings –
DAMIEN
Who appears to have his sweater on inside out –
JOE
I have sat at the embalmed feet of all the great world leaders – Mao, Lenin, Ho Chi Minh –
WENDY
Bless you!
JOE
– and some leadership qualities must have rubbed off!
WENDY
Old dead communists’ feet aren’t going to help, Joe . But I… I’m genetically programmed to help.
AMBER
Wendy, you are genetically programmed to stick your nose in where it’s not wanted.
ALFIE
I think Charlie is trying to get online. Brooke if you could just…
BROOKE
I’m sorry Alfie, you’re breaking up.
DAMIEN
Uhh … God … Booooring … Chairpeople? Leaders? No one’s even mentioned disruptors!
STEVE
There’s a good reason for that, Damien. And if I thought you’d understand I’d explain it to you.
ALFIE
Ahem. Charlie’s in the waiting room. If you could just let her in…
STEVE
We have a waiting room? How much is that costing us?
ALFIE
It’s a virtual room, Steve. Not an actual room.
DAMIEN
And if we thought you’d understand it we’d explain it to you.
AMBER
Brooke, if you don’t let Charlie into the meeting, I’m going to ask how come she didn’t know we were doing this online.
BROOKE
Can’t hear you, Amber.
SFX: Click and frantic typing.
AMBER
You heard alright.
CHARLIE
Oh, hello. How nice to see you all getting along without me. Now before we do anything else, we have an urgent issue to deal with the cafe is closing.
WENDY
But they only learned my name last week.
DAMIEN
They thought her name was windy.
AMBER
It was no accident.
BROOKE
I’m sorry Charlie but the cafe isn’t on the agenda.
CHARLIE
So?
BROOKE
So we shouldn’t discuss it. It’s the law.
CHARLIE
Is this the same law that says we have to have all our meetings on Zoom?
BROOKE
It was an auto correction, okay? So not my fault.
STEVE
Can’t see how the words “can” or even “may” get auto-corrected to “must”.
BROOKE
It was a glitch, that’s all. Computers, hey!
DAMIEN Maybe our computers are being controlled by a foreign power. Like Russia ..
BROOKE
Or China…
JOE
Or New Zealand.
AMBER
Maybe it was Brooke being a control flake again.
DAMIEN
A control flake?
AMBER
Someone who won’t let anyone else do their job but never gets round to doing it themselves.
WENDY
You would know all about computers, Amber. We’ve all seen your Only-Fans page.
STEVE
Only-Fans?
BROOKE
Has that got anything to do with football?
JOE
Sport is the mid-strength beer of the masses.
WENDY
It’s filth and I think we can all agree that Amber’s web page reflects badly on all of us.
JOE
Never seen it.
CHARLIE
Nope.
STEVE
Me neither.
ALFIE
It’s very tasteful… I’ve been told.
DAMIEN
What’s the URL?
AMBER
WWW dot mind your own frickin business.
ALFIE
Ahem… Madame Chairperson, far be it from me to intrude, being merely your humble building manager… and not even having a vote…
CHARLIE
Get on with it, please, Alfie.
ALFIE
Technically the cafe is on the agenda. There’s an item under “Meetings” and that’s where we hold ours.
AMBER
Or we did until Brooke stuffed up.
The committee members start arguing over the top of each other.
BROOKE
It was auto correct.
WENDY
You can talk.
STEVE
This will cost us to fix the by-law
JOE
It was no accident. There’s always a reason
CHARLIE
Order… order…
AMBER
Power-crazed control freak.
DAMIEN
I spend my life on Zoom… I want to meet people.
BROOKE
You try doing this for a while.
WENDY
It’s always about you… you .. You.
CHARLIE
(irritated) Order… order!
ALFIE
Quiet please! If you don’t all behave I’m going to disconnect you from the internet… permanently.
BROOKE
(whispers) Can he do that?
DAMIEN
(whispers) Oh yes.
ALFIE
Allow me to explain the situation with the cafe. You own the space …
JOE
All property is theft.
AMBER
Thank you Karl, the fifth Marx brother…
ALFIE
Your predecessors started renting out the space years ago. They needed money for repairs.
STEVE
Turning our meeting space into a cafe – where we could still meet for free – solved the building’s cash-flow problem.
ALFIE
It’s kept your levies low for years.
AMBER
It also gave us a cafe.
STEVE
Whatever. We need new tenants, before we fly off the financial cliff edge, like …
WENDY
Thelma and Louise.
STEVE
I was thinking “lemmings” but point taken.
JOE
New tenants? More capitalistic, money-grubbers. This is the people’s space.
SFX: Typing sounds.
STEVE
If we don’t, there’ll have to be a five per cent adjustment in levies to cover the shortfall.
WENDY
Adjustment?
STEVE
They’ll go up.
JOE
A five freaking percent rise in levies? Stuff the people!
STEVE
5.324 to be precise. I rounded it down so as not to cause unnecessary alarm.
DAMIEN
Oooh… don’t know about this… I am a bit over-exposed…
AMBER
Still working in your underpants, Damien?
WENDY
Pot calling the kettle black.
ALFIE
Fear not, good folk. I have already received an offer from a business to take over the space.
STEVE
Excellent. Agreed. Move on.
DAMIEN
Is it an all-night, hot-house incubator shared co-working space for young disruptors?
JOE
Dream on, Elon Musk.
WENDY
We could offer it to one of the many charities for which I am only too happy to give up my precious time.
JOE
How is that going to keep levies down?
WENDY
You get tax breaks for charities.
STEVE
We don’t pay tax.
JOE
Stickin’ it to the man!
CHARLIE
So Alfie, who or what is this prospective tenant?
ALFIE
It’s… um… a mini day spa.
WENDY
A spa… lovely… Sauna? Steam rooms? Facials?
BROOKE
Or do you mean like a yoga studio? That sounds nice. Sign me up.
ALFIE
It’s not a yoga studio, per se ..
CHARLIE
Then what is it?
WENDY
It’s not a massage parlour, is it?
SFX: Melodramatic music sting.
DAMIEN Oh, sorry, that’s my ringtone.
ALFIE
They’re calling themselves a day spa but I assume massage will be among their services.
AMBER
No frickin way are we having a massage parlour in this building!
WENDY
You mean another one.
ALFIE
It’s a day spa.
CHARLIE
OK. Let’s discuss this at our next meeting when we have more information.
Fade out on a general hubbub of agreement.
Scene 3: The meeting continues
NARRATOR
Several hours later, as the crow flies, a weary Charlie has reached the end of the agenda … and her tether.
Fade up on
CHARLIE
Final item .. . hallelujah … tapping? Is this right, Brooke? What’s “tapping”?
BROOKE
Can’t you hear it? There’s been complaints.
SFX a dull, rhythmic tapping
STEVE
Every day… morning, noon and night. It’s the flat above mine and it’s driving me nuts.
JOE
It’s the mating call of the death watch beetle. I Googled it
WENDY
Sounds like Asians to me.
CHARLIE
You can tell people’s race from tapping? Please explain.
WENDY
They’re obviously making chopsticks.
STEVE
They have machines for that.
WENDY
Or child labour. Has anyone seen any weary wee ones wandering around?
JOE
I saw a film once where they made pills with a machine that went tap tap-tap as they turned the handle.
DAMIEN That’s it. Drug dealers, no question.
WENDY
Yakuza… we could all be murdered in our beds.
CHARLIE
Alfie, who’s renting that flat at the moment?
ALFIE
I’m sorry Madame Chairmadam, discretion and privacy laws forbid me from revealing that.
STEVE
And the occasional brown paper bag, I bet.
BROOKE
The law requires landlords to register the identity of whoever has rented a property.
ALFIE
Perhaps… but I am not the landlord.
CHARLIE
Okay, I’ll look into it. Meeting adjourned. I need to get to bed.
BROOKE
Just one question.
CHARLIE
Yes?
BROOKE
Can we go back to the discussion about the cafe? I have a feeling I should have been taking notes and you all kept breaking up.
SFX MUSICAL STING
Scene 4: Alfie’s Office
SFX: space-age bleeping and whirring mixed with gurgling waterpipes.
NARRATOR
It’s the very next day in Hyperbole Towers and Alfie is in his office – a cross between a basement storeroom, which it is, and a multi-screen, hi-tech surveillance pod, which it also is.
SFX: Alfie’s phone rings.
ALFIE
Madam Chairlady, what can I do you for?
CHARLIE
Hi Alfie. Look do we really want this… place… at our front door?
ALFIE
A day spa? It’s a pressing concern, Madame Chair.
CHARLIE
If it’s at all sleazy, the residents will be up in arms. Not to mention the committee.
ALFIE
Although you just have.
CHARLIE
They’ll hate it. They’ll vote no anyway.
ALFIE
Possibly, despite the ramifications…
CHARLIE
What ramifications?
ALFIE
Loss of income, waste of space, racial discrimination.
CHARLIE
Why? Is it a Thai massage?
ALFIE
More Swedish, I believe. Europeans are people too.
CHARLIE
We need to find something that won’t upset the residents and that the committee will support.
ALFIE
We should check the numbers. What am I saying? A politician like yourself would know that.
CHARLIE
I’m not a politician.
ALFIE
Indeed, Madame Chaiselongue… indeed.
SFX: Phone hangs up
Scene 5: Charlie’s/Amber’s Flats
NARRATOR
In her quest to gauge the numbers, Charlie makes a Skype call to AMBER .
SFX Skype ring tone.
AMBER
Hi Charlie
What’s up? I don’t have long. I’m with a client.
CHARLIE
Hello Amber . Is that a nurse’s uniform? I didn’t know you were a first responder.
AMBER
Depends what kind of response you’re after.
CHARLIE
It’s about this day spa. You seem to be very much against it.
AMBER
Hundred per cent. It sounds like it could be a massage parlour to me.
CHARLIE
And you already provide those services.
AMBER
Hey, I’m a trained massage therapist. Some of these other places …
CLIENT (muffled) Ow!
CHARLIE
Is everything okay in there?
AMBER
That’s the bishop. Hot stones treatment. I may have left them on too long.
CLIENT (muffled) Ow! Ow! Ow!
AMBER
Gotta go. He’ll be wanting his rocks off. For the record, I’m voting “no”… and, don’t worry, he’s not really a Bishop
SFX call ending.
Scene 6: Foyer
NARRATOR
Later that very same day, Wendy is scurrying through the foyer on her way to perform good works when her phone rings.
WENDY
Hullo. Wendy speaking. Good deeds done free.
ALFIE
On your way out, Wendy?
WENDY
How did you know?
ALFIE
Oh, you’re always on the go.
WENDY
No rest for the wicked… or me.
ALFIE
About the plan for the cafe?
WENDY
Terrible, awful.
ALFIE
I know. And, for once, Amber agrees with you.
WENDY
Does she? Why?
ALFIE
Kind of obvious, really.
WENDY
Oh yes, it is. (Beat) Is it?
ALFIE
Competition. Could put her out of business.
WENDY
Of course.
ALFIE
She might have to move out. Start up somewhere else.
WENDY
Oh, dear. Poor thing.
ALFIE
That’s you all over, Wendy. Always thinking of others.
WENDY
True. True.
ALFIE
So who’s the lucky beneficiary of your endless bounty today? The homeless? The elderly? Cats?
WENDY
Homeless elderly cats, actually.
ALFIE
Lovely. Don’t bring any back here. (Laughs) No pets remember.
WENDY
You know me. I’m a stickler for the rules.
ALFIE
You’re a saint, Wendy. An absolute saint.
SFX. Bloop as call ends
WENDY
(To herself) Aye. And I know how to get rid of a sinner.
Scene 7: Corridor outside “tapping” unit
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in another different part of Hyperbole Towers, on her way to investigate the tapping issue, Charlie has called Brooke.
CHARLIE
So, are you for or against the day spa?
BROOKE
Against. It would cost us a fortune. My Jack would never be out of the place…
CHARLIE
Really?
BROOKE
What with his knees.
CHARLIE
Of course. His knees. We need to find an alternative.
BROOKE
I’ll ask around the real estate agents.
CHARLIE
Look, hold the line. I’m at the unit above Steve’s… Listen.
SFX: Rhythmic tapping.
BROOKE
I can hear it. Clear as day.
CHARLIE
Good. Glad I have a witness.
BROOKE
No problem. Bye.
CHARLIE
No, wait. I meant a witness for when I knock on the door.
BROOKE
What if they are drug dealers?
CHARLIE
Then we might scare them off.
BROOKE
Or they might take your phone, trace your call, abduct us, torture us to death and bury our bodies in the foundations of a new high rise.
CHARLIE
I don’t think so.
BROOKE
That’s what happened with those buildings that are falling down. Too many bodies in the concrete.
SFX loud thumps as Charlie bangs on the door.
BROOKE
Omigod! Omigod! Uh, sorry Charlie, you’re breaking up.
SFX more thumps on the door.
CHARLIE
(shouts) Hello in there! Can you hear us?
SFX: The tapping continues.
CHARLIE
It’d be easier just to get Alfie to tell us who’s living here, Brooke. Brooke?
SFX: Dial tone. Fade out on tapping sounds
Scene 8: Bin Room
NARRATOR
Elsewhere in Hyperbole Towers — in the bin room to be precise — Joe’s phone rings.
SFX: Joe’s Phone
JOE
Hullo. Uh. Wait till I put these newspapers down.
SFX: Thud as he drops newspapers.
ALFIE
Ah, recycling, Joe. Good to see.
JOE
In the old days I would have used these to make papier mache effigies of political leaders.
ALFIE
Why?
JOE
So I could burn them at a demo. Menzies, Howard, Hawke, Whitlam, they all went up in smoke.
ALFIE
Very creative, yet destructive.
JOE
Oh man, you should have seen my Keating – nose like a furnace flue. I could never quite get the five o’clock shadow, though … wrong shade of grey…
ALFIE
(interrupts) So… About this day spa…?
JOE
Bring it on. I couldn’t give a toss as long as they pay rent and keep the levies down.
ALFIE
Power to the people.
JOE
Hang on? How did you know I was recycling?
ALFIE
Public spirited bloke like you? What else would you be doing?
Scene 9: Zoom call
NARRATOR
Much later that very same day, but late at night, Charlie is trying to make out a ghostly image on her portable laptop computer screen. The image is not of an actual ghost because they don’t exist.
CHARLIE
Hi Damien, can you see me?
DAMIEN
Clear as day.
CHARLIE
I can’t see you.
DAMIEN
I’m here. Video on.
CHARLIE
I can just see a kind of outline of a head.
DAMIEN
Have you tried turning the brightness up?
CHARLIE
Yes.
DAMIEN
The contrast?
CHARLIE
Yes.
DAMIEN
Maybe I should put my light on.
CHARLIE
(sighs) That might help.
SFX light switch click.
CHARLIE
Omigod! I didn’t need to see that!
DAMIEN
Sorry, I forgot. I didn’t expect to be standing up.
CHARLIE
OK, about the cafe space?
DAMIEN
Yes. Glad you asked. Here’s my alternative plan. You’re going to love this… a virtual ice rink. Three-D glasses, and an espresso martini and margarita bar. Skating without all the falling down. Apart from with the margeritas. What do you think?
CHARLIE
Terrific. And where can I see this? Is there a website?
DAMIEN
That’s the beauty of it. No website. It doesn’t exist. Anywhere. Totally fresh.
CHARLIE
Okay… right… leave that with me. Meanwhile, what’s your position on the day spa?
DAMIEN
If it’s going to get in the way of my virtual ice rink or hothouse incubator hub, I’m against it.
Scene 10: Parking garage
SFX car pulling up, engine off and door opening, then closing.
NARRATOR
It’s 1 am in the morning and a slightly drunk Steve is parking his car in his parking space in the car park when the screen on his smartphone lights up.
STEVE
(puzzled) Hello?
ALFIE
Hello Steve.
STEVE
Hi ALFIE
Jeez, are you on overtime?
ALFIE
Late dinner?
STEVE
Some accountancy mates. Takes longer to split the bill than it does to eat the food.
ALFIE
About the cafe space?
STEVE
Really? You want to talk about that now?
ALFIE
We’re both busy men.
STEVE
Okay. So … if this was a … you know?
ALFIE
I know everything.
STEVE
Residents’ discount, do you think?
ALFIE
I’m sure that might be arranged.
STEVE
(suppressing laughter) Then I’m in. They won’t want to rub us up the wrong way. Geddit? Rub us up?
ALFIE
Yes, Steve, very droll. Oh, and you seem to be parked over the line. Might want to straighten that out before someone complains.
SFX: Call ending
Scene 11: Zoom meeting
NARRATOR
Much later, in the evening of that very same day, Charlie has reconvened the adjourned online committee meeting again for a second time.
CHARLIE
Just to bring you all up to speed on the tapping, I visited 1407, the flat above Steve’s…
BROOKE
For the record, I wasn’t there.
CHARLIE
No one said you were. I visited the flat …
BROOKE
Sorry, Charlie, I’m losing you again.
CHARLIE
I heard tapping, I knocked on the door several times but there was no reply. It might be time to call the police.
JOE
Bring in the goon squad. Beep beep.
WENDY
Asian drug dealers. I knew it.
CHARLIE
Wendy, you do realise I’m Chinese-Australian, don’t you?
WENDY
Of course I do, dear. But you’re one of the nice ones.
ALFIE
Ahem. Madame CEO, if I may. The tenant of the flat in question is going to connect with us in a few moments to explain everything.
STEVE
But are they going to stop that damned tapping?
ALFIE
I believe he’s moving out, so that would be a ‘yes’.
CHARLIE
Excellent. Okay. The cafe space, I believe Brooke has some news.
BROOKE
I have had two inquiries, apart from the day spa. One is for a nail salon, the other is an all night convenience store.
JOE
Both of which exploit immigrants and the underpaid. Do we want our reputation to be permanently scarred with the dark stain of slavery?
DAMIEN
Did you even tell them about my virtual ice rink?
BROOKE
By the way, we’ll have to get council approval for the change of use – which was overlooked when our meeting room was converted to a cafe.
CHARLIE
Is that true, Alfie?
ALFIE
Council approval? Way above my pay grade.
CHARLIE
All right. Now, bear in mind that this has to be approved by a majority of our owners.
BROOKE
Including those who turn up at our AGMs thinking it’s bingo night.
CHARLIE
If the owners don’t like it, we could all be kicked off the committee.
JOE
The night of the long knives, all over again
CHARLIE
Option one – the nail salon.
ALFIE
Great idea. Very convenient for the ladies… just so long as you don’t mind the toxic fumes.
CHARLIE
All those in favour?
STEVE
Shouldn’t we have a secret ballot?
BROOKE
First we’d need to vote on whether or not we have a secret ballot.
WENDY
In that case, we should have a secret ballot on whether or not we have a secret ballot.
CHARLIE
We don’t need a secret ballot.
JOE
How do we know you haven’t already had one?
CHARLIE
(sighs) All those in favour of the nail salon, raise a hand.
DAMIEN Hands with acrylic nails should be discounted.
CHARLIE
Nobody? The convenience store?
ALFIE
Where else are drunks and junkies going to get their corn chips and ice cream at 2am?
CHARLIE
All those in favour of the convenience store? No one? Okay, the day spa?
WENDY
I’ve had a wee think. I’m for it.
AMBER
Really? I thought Scottish people were against touching.
WENDY
It’s somewhere to relax after hours of helping those less fortunate.
AMBER
Tell me, who relaxes the people you’ve been helping?
CHARLIE
Enough squabbling. Those for the day spa? (beat) You know you can’t all abstain? I’m voting no and if you don’t vote, then my vote is the only one that counts.
DAMIEN She’s very strict.
JOE
Our own little Evita.
STEVE
I’m in. We need the money.
BROOKE
Count me out. The thought of all that flesh being pummelled and prodded and only ten floors below me. Eughh!
JOE
My old bones could use a little TLC. I’m a yes.
WENDY
Those poor Swedish girls need somewhere to go for advice and soup. I’m voting yes.
DAMIEN Don’t let ‘okay’ be the enemy of brilliant. I say no.
CHARLIE
That’s three for, three against. Amber?
AMBER
You know what? I think it’s exactly what we need. I’m a yes.
WENDY
What? Wait a minute. Can I change…?
ALFIE
Excuse me, folks, we have the tenant from 1407.
TED Hi. Can everybody hear me?
ALFIE
We can hear you Ted.
TED
Hullo everyone? I’m Ted McKonney. You probably know me from stage musicals, Dancing with the Stars and that thing with the male strippers.
WENDY
Omigod. Omigod. It’s Ted.
TED
Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for all the tapping sounds. I’ve been secretly rehearsing for my new show. I was using a portable tap floor and I didn’t realise the sound could be heard anywhere else. You should have told me.
CHARLIE
I banged on your door.
TED
I had headphones on so my music didn’t disturb anyone. Ironic, huh?
WENDY
Oh, Mr McKonney… I loved you in The Boy from Oz… I saw you in New York.
TED
I don’t think so. Anyway, Alfie has some free tickets to the opening night of my new show –
ALFIE
(interrupts) Oh, dear. We seem to have lost the connection.
STEVE
Free tickets? What’s it all about, Alfie?
ALFIE
Freely available at half price… very generous.
Scene 12: Brooke’s flat
NARRATOR
A fortnight later, or about two weeks, which is more or less the same thing, Charlie has called Brooke.
BROOKE
Council approval? Are you sure?
CHARLIE
I’ve got the letter here. Day spa with a coffee bar at the front. Signed, sealed and delivered.
BROOKE
When did you apply?
CHARLIE
I didn’t. But it’s got my signature on it.
BROOKE
I know it wasn’t me. I’d remember paperwork.
CHARLIE
And how about this? The company behind it is called AmbAlfie.
BROOKE
AmbAlfie?
CHARLIE
And its registered address is right here in this building.
BROOKE
You know, I’ve often wondered how Alfie knew about the day spa before we even heard the cafe was closing?
CHARLIE
Me too. I’ve been looking for him. He’s not answering his phone.
BROOKE
Funny how he’s always around until you want him to be.
Scene 13: garage gate
NARRATOR
Alfie is standing by the building’s garage gate when his phone rings.
SFX: Alfie’s phone ringing
NARRATOR
Yes, like that. He thinks about not answering but changes his mind.
ALFIE
Madame Chairlift, to what do I owe the exquisite pleasure of hearing your dulcet tones this fine morning?
CHARLIE
Alfie, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.
ALFIE
Doing my rounds, Madam Chairlift. Protecting civilisation, one visitor parking space at a time.
CHARLIE
Do you know anything about this council approval for the day spa?
ALFIE
That was quick. I mean, what approval?
CHARLIE
Somebody applied for permission for a spa using our letterhead and my signature. And it’s been approved.
ALFIE
Congratulations. Now, I must be off. I have to recycle some old recycling bins.
CHARLIE
No, not congratulations. Explanations!
SFX: The beeping of a reversing truck
CHARLIE
Whoever it was, forged a planning application in our name.
ALFIE
Forgery! My good Lord. I will look into this immediately. Must go.
SFX: Beeping stops and a truck door slams.
CHARLIE
Alfie, wait! This is your chance to come clean. Did you and Amber apply for approval for the day spa?
ALFIE
My dear Madam Chaircushion, I swear on the higher power of my Dyson stick vacuum cleaner, this had nothing to do with me.
DELIVERY MAN (distant)
Hoi, Alfie!. I’ve got your massage tables and cappuccino machine. Where do you want them?
Closing music, fade up to credits.
ANNOUNCER You’ve been listening to “Hyperbole Towers” Featuring Tsu Shan Chambers, Valentino Arico, Amelia Conway, Eveline Schubert, Michelle Rouady, Robin Queree, Matias Klaver and David MacPhail, with a special guest appearance by Todd McKenney.
This Podcom was narrated and directed by Warren Coleman. ‘Hyperbole Towers’ was written and produced by Jimmy Thomson and Warren Coleman. Audio editing and effects were by SoundBrewery. Leaping about was by me, Phoebe Armstrong.
“Hyperbole Towers” is a Flat Chat Production for Words Worth, made with financial assistance from City of Sydney Council .
THE END
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